Friday, July 31, 2009

What scares me

Being currently in the middle of a massive life change I am learning a lot about myself. It seems my biggest fear, stumbling block, thing that stops me from doing stuff, is money. I don't mean just a momentary - eek, don't want to spend that - kind of feeling. I mean a terrified, out of control, being sucked down the black hole, light headed, kind of feeling. A hide in a corner and hope it goes away, kind of feeling.
Over the top? Yes.
Verging on paranoia? Probably.
One thing I do know, saying snap out of it and thinking through everything logically is not helping. My current approach is just to ignore it and hope it goes away to where it came from. This is the worst it has ever been but looking back, all my major life changes so far, money stands out as being the thing I most worried about.
It has made me think how for other people money is not this concerning. Some people think nothing of leaving their job and starting a new life in a new country. I always intended to do that and now I am wondering if the reason it has never happened is deep down, it freaks me out!
It has made me think about other people's situations where they seem to want to change their lives because they want something else but can't or won't. Perhaps they are just like me and have a big fear stopping them too but maybe theirs is people or commitment. i imagine if I felt about commitment the way I feel about money, long term relationships would be hard and the idea of having children would be nightmare fuel.
It is weird how much your mind and emotions can interfere with your life. I feel I have no control over these feelings, even though they are mine. So far in the past if I have just got on and believed the more rational thinking about the problem, things have been fine and you would think I would learn from that. It feels almost an instinctive response that I am squashing to get on with my life.
I wonder if we all have these things that shape our lives more than we realise. Most of the time they are almost subconscious and it is only when we challenge them with bold decisions that we realise secretly they have been controlling our lives.

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5 Favourite Sights Seen

  • 1996 Watching tropical lightning turn night to day, outside a little wooden church in a small village in Sabah.
  • 2004 Flying down the Rainbow Valley at 8000ft in a cessna on a clear blue day.
  • 2003 Seeing and hearing Michael Schmacher rolling out of the pit garage in his Ferrari in Hungary.
  • 2009 Chancing upon 100 or more dolphins just off the Kaikoura Coast swimming around, jumping out of the water, doing somersaults and generally having fun.
  • 2006 Finding a pool at the bottom of a waterfall in the bush at Kaikoura that was full of playing baby seals.